Life is waiting for you

Update on Life

2006-11-02T01:30:58Z

It's been a long time since I posted anything so I decided to change that. I have been back at school now for over two months. It's crazy how fast time flies when you are having fun. This year has been pretty awesome so far. I am having a lot of fun with both old friends and new ones. It's funny how much things can change from one semester to another. I have been doing new things such as taking part in Circle K (a community service club on campus) and playing a lot more frisbee and trying out volleyball.

Of course it hasn't been all fun. I have had my normal low points and also had to deal with the loss of a good friend's father. That was a little jarring. A few of my friends and I went to the funeral last week. It was hard especially seeing as we hadn't seen our friend in nine weeks because he is doing study abroad this semester. It makes you think a little bit differently about things.

Now we are in the second half of the first semester and it's going by so quickly. I have an unbelievably busy week coming up followed by an onslaught of homework and papers to take me into the homestretch until Winter Break during which I plan on working my ass off and also finding time to go visit my Jersey people, seeing as most of my friends are from Jersey.

So that's just a vague update on life but hopefully I will remember to update again sometime soon.

augustgirl23 @ 2006-08-21T00:29:00

2006-08-21T04:49:00Z

So I just had the worst night ever at the restaurant. I'm not going into details about it. Let's just say it was not a good night for me, the most off I've ever been. Juan, the main chef in the kitchen, did make me feel a little bit better though. I told him my 19th birthday is on Wednesday. He was surprised I was so young, but he told me he wants to have a drink with me on my 21st birthday. Then, he said "Don't forget about your friend at Amicci's. We are going to celebrate your 21st birthday with a drink." It's funny but it is nice to know that the guys in the kitchen truly do consider me a friend, even if we aren't necessarily that close. I still ended up leaving the restaurant tonight feeling like absolute shit about myself.
I had such an awesome time last night at Kyle's party too. It was so great seeing Em and Kyle and Jess. I really missed Em and Kyle. I'm looking forward to being able to spend time with Em again this semester. The party was great though and I'm glad that I was able to go. It helped me feel more ready to go back to school. I guess the bad night at the restaurant did too.
Either way though, right now I'm just feeling like shit about myself and really don't like it. I haven't been doubting myself all that much recently but tonight somehow my customers really got to me and I am doubting myself again. Hopefully it won't last very long and it was just one night but wow. I don't really know what's going on in my head but I don't like it. Lack of sleep probably doesn't help much though. I think that's what I will do now. Sleep just seems like a good idea seeing as I can barely even type now. I will try to make a more coherent update later.

augustgirl23 @ 2006-07-31T00:24:00

2006-07-31T04:57:42Z

So recently, I have been happier with things. And I have been thinking more about things. I know things aren't always going to go my way. Shit happens. I just have to work my way through it and come out on the other side. I have been through my share of stuff but it's not even that bad compared to what some people have had to go through. I consider myself pretty lucky actually. I had my awful bout of depression (those of you who witnessed know how bad it really was). I came through that though. I'm not saying I won't get depressed every once in awhile. I will. I just feel like I can't worry about everything anymore.
I feel like I have started to appreciate the small things more. I know some of you probably aren't fans of this movie but I am and I especially love this line. It's kinda cheesy but it makes sense: "Being happy isn't having everything in your life be perfect. Maybe it's about stringing together all the little things...making those count for more than the bad stuff. Maybe we just get through it. And that's all we can ask for." I really have started to enjoy the little things and they have made me happy.
I love going to work with the girls who will make me laugh and will bitch with me about the managers. We are able to talk about stuff and almost forget about life outside the walls of the restaurant and make our job enjoyable, aside from the bitchy managers. I talk to the guys in the kitchen. We have been able to overcome the language barrier, seeing as most of them speak Spanish and very little English while it is vice versa for me. We have found things in common and I have been able to learn a little bit about their lives. Tonight I even had a small heart-to-heart with one of them. It's funny how it makes you feel good to know that these people trust you and have become your friends, maybe not outside of work necessarily, but they still care and trust you. I love it when people feel they can talk to me about their lives and get a good response.
It feels great when one of your friends calls you up and leaves you a voicemail just because they wanted to say hi and talk to you (I love you, Em!). I haven't gotten too many of those phone calls this summer but when it happens, it does put a smile on my face.
I even have enjoyed the time spent with my family. Today, I sat around the table at my uncle's house with my mom's side of the family and I realized that I have a great family who cares about me. It was a great moment with all of us sitting there, laughing, watching the baseball game.
I have come to appreciate the moments just driving in my car, with the windows down, blasting my music, singing at the top of my lungs (even though my singing is not all that wonderful haha). It's those moments when I'm complete happiness and all of the little moments that don't seem all that big at the time really do add up. They may not be huge events or anything. But it really is sometimes the smallest gesture or littlest thing that can change your day and put a smile on your face. I haven't always thought about that. You can't sweat the small stuff but you can't forget about those little things that make you smile either. I don't know. This is kind of a random entry but it was just something I was thinking about when reading my away message tonight.
I have had some rough times. But I got through it. I have had some many wonderful moments that I will never forget and the happy moments definitely outweigh the bad, unhappy moments. That's not true for everybody. I have great friends, great family and a pretty good life. I am strong enough to get through rough times and have people to help me when I stumble. I can't ask for much more. I just have to remind myself of that every once in a while.

Life is just...well ya know

2006-07-28T05:10:59Z

So it's not so much a depression anymore. I really don't feel depressed. I am a little sad about how I feel I have grown away from a few of my friends from school over the summer, not really talking to them very much and just feeling like my strong friendships kinda dwindled a little bit. I have been working a lot so it's understandable that I haven't talked to most of them very often. It is kinda annoying though that everytime I do talk to them, I make the first move. I have to call or IM or whatever. I just wonder if anybody would talk to me if I didn't talk to them first. If I hadn't made the effort, I think I would have gone most of the summer without talking to them at all.
I have gotten to hang out/talk to more people from home though. Last Friday, I got to go bowling with Alli, Dom and Alex, which was so much fun (THANKS GUYS!!!). Alright, so I haven't seen that many people but that was still a lot of fun. I'm glad I have gotten to see and talk to Alli more (I love you, Allison Joy!). I also have gotten to see Mai more which is good. She and I have been friends for so long I would hate to lose her as a friend. I went and saw "Lady in the Water" with her and Lizzy which was a lot of fun.
I actually am enjoying myself more at work. It sounds weird but I actually don't mind going to work in the restaurant that much. The girls are really nice and we make it fun no matter how awful the night is (or bitchy our managers are). The guys in the kitchen are funny and I learn more Spanish every night as well as teaching them some English. I really think the guys in the kitchen would do anything for us girls if we needed it and it's nice to know that somebody cares. LINC isn't too bad either although the work is a litle bit boring. I don't mind it too much though. I will have quite a bit of money saved up by the end of the summer. It's so weird to think I only have 9 more shifts left at Amicci's before I go back to school. I really do think I will miss it.
Since I have been home, I have gotten closer with my sister and my dad. I'm glad I have gotten to see more of my dad. I talk to him on the phone at least 2 or 3 times a day on those days that I work from 11am-11pm. I also got to go out to dinner with him last week, just the two of us which is really rare. It was fun walking around the harbor with him and eating a huge dessert at Vaccarro's. I also went on a shopping excursion with my sister this week, seeing as she is the fashionable one of the two of us. I'm glad that she and I have gotten closer.
Less than 2 weeks until back to my favorite place, sitting on the bluff looking out on the beautiful water with the ocean breeze in my hair with my most recent book and my family nearby. Then it's no time from there until back to school. I'm ready to go back but at the same time, I will miss some of the things from home. I can't have both though. Maybe I will come back here next summer after all. Baltimore isn't all that bad in reality.
Anyway, that's my long update for awhile. Maybe I will write again soon.

Summer Update

2006-07-01T01:41:04Z

So it's almost the beginning of July (3 more hours). I can't believe two months of summer have already gone by. But that means less than two months until back to LaSalle. I know things are gonna be a little bit different. Stef will no longer be my immediate roommate but I know we will still be close. Kyle won't be there for the first semester unfortunately but we will just count down the days until he comes back. It will be a different room and a different year and different classes but I'm excited. I'm now ready to face change instead of hiding from it. But that is still a little less than two months away.
So far my summer has been pretty uneventful other than the trip to Massachusetts. I have been working my ass off between my two jobs. Last week I had camp and ended up working 4 shifts at Amicci's so from Sunday to Saturday, I ended up working a total of about 62 hours. That is in just one week. But I am making good money. I guess it's worth it although I am missing my friends a lot, both from home and from school. But JessiB is coming to visit in two weeks along with Stef maybe, so it will be a 247 reunion of all the roommates. I am going to Jersey tomorrow for the AVP tournament and meeting up with Stef, staying at her house on Sunday before driving home Monday. Maybe I will get to see Matt while up there too. Then in three weeks, I'm going up to the Poconos again to see Jeff. July 29th, I am going to the BSO concert of film music with Alli and Amanda (whether they know it yet or not lol). Then I get to go to Massachusetts again the 9th through the 16th before the Ravens-Eagles game on the 17th with Jeff. So it looks like the rest of my summer will be full of friends. Hopefully that will make it go by faster along with working.
Anyway I will try to update again soon but no promises.

Manomet, MA: No place better

2006-06-12T19:27:37Z

So I just got back from one of the best weekends of my life. What can be better than 4 days of my best friends in my favorite place in the entire world? Although the weather sucked (it rained every day we were there except the last one), we made the best of it and still had a lot of fun. I got my ass kicked in Risk on multiple occassions thanks mainly to the sadistic Matt lol. We had great, home-cooked meals by Jeff and Kyle, a fire on the beach for s'mores, and Gellar's ice cream.
It was the first time for me up there without the rest of the family but it wasn't completely without them. My cousin Liz came up with her boyfriend for dinner. It was great seeing her and talking to her because she and I see eye-to-eye on a lot of things.
We even got a lot of time on the beach. The boys had a lot of fun climbing the rocks at low tide, whether it was raining or not. It was funny to me how amazed they were by how far the water went out. I enjoyed my usual favorites, especially my favorite reading spot out on the bluff overlooking the water, with the greatest view in the world. I can never get enough of that view. I just can't believe how fast it went by. We found that we had to stay late yesterday because of the beautiful weather so it made for an extremely long ride home. I got to see the sun set in Massachusetts and rise here in Maryland.
I just can't wait to go back in 65 days. I already have the next countdown going. It will likely be my last stay there because we will likely not have the cottage again next year. It will be a sad day when I have to leave that place forever. Nothing can take away the amazing memories I've had there though. I'm glad I was able to share my favorite place with my "family" from school and see them appreciate it almost as much as I do. It is amazing how great my friends are. They were even amazing enough to get me a thank you card that made me smile as I read it out on the bluff. They truly are my family. Who knows? They might even come back for round 2 with the Budds in August. No matter what, no place will ever beat Manomet, Massachusetts and the Rest-A-While cottage for me. There is no place better.

No more school

2006-05-04T03:47:56Z

So I leave school for the year in less than 48 hours. Emily and Kyle are leaving tomorrow along with Greg Smith, the LiveJournal stalker, who will more than likely not be back next year. *tear* Stef's parents came and took most of her stuff home including the TV, refrigerator, microwave and little table leaving our room looking completely bare. There are the big blue bins to take stuff out down in the lobby of the dorms, a constant reminder that we have to leave so soon. I can't handle it. I still have two finals and a paper before I can leave but I can't even concentrate on them. All I can think about is that we are leaving sooo soon. When I came here, I had no reason to believe I would love it here this much. Now I am so sad to be leaving. The people I have seen everyday for hours on end will now be hours away, only reachable through the internet or phone. The people who have become my "family" here at school will no longer be right down the hall or within walking distance of wherever I am. I never thought it would be this hard to leave. Kyle won't even be here next semester, seeing as he will be studying abroad in Italy. I know I will see them over the summer but not nearly as much as I would like. It won't be the same. I'm so afraid everything will change over the summer. I just look around my room and know that I won't be rooming with Stef next year, that I probably won't be close to her anymore when we were inseparable first semester. I know my friends will all be there if I need them. I just have to call and they will listen and even come to me if I need them to. It's going to be hard though. Nothing against going home. It's just going to be very strange. I guess I just have to remember that my friends are "somewhere out there" looking up at the "same big sky," no matter how far away they really are.

For Greg Smith, the LiveJournal stalker

2006-04-26T04:54:13Z

So here is a somewhat depressing journal entry because Greg likes depressing entries cuz it makes him feel better about himself:
So schoolwork is absolutely killing me. I have so much to do for Thursday and like no time to do it. I'm so on edge, especially seeing as leaving here makes me so upset. I'm going to miss all the amazing friends I have here. I'm afraid that things will change when we come back for next semester, that my group of friends will disappear or something. I'm also a little worried about what it's going to be like at home. I haven't actually lived in that house for a significant amount of time since Winter Break or before I came to school. And let's just say that was a bit of a rough period both times. Also it looks like my dad is going to have surgery on his knee for his torn ACL sometime soon. I know that's not nearly as bad as his last surgeries and I'm not as worried, but still, it's just another thing to add to the list. I'm also going to be working my ass off this summer so I can save up to buy a car since I want to have one on campus next year and also it would be nice not to have to share a car with my sister. Trust me. I'm sure there will be some big fights over the car this summer. Not looking forward to that. Of course I miss my family, but I'm also going to miss my friends who I have gotten used to seeing everyday. I know I will see them a few times over the summer, but not enough. O well, I have to get my work before I can worry about that. Right now, I have to focus on getting through til 3:15 on Thursday.

augustgirl23 @ 2006-04-23T23:14:00

2006-04-24T03:34:32Z

So it's been a really long time since I've updated, I know. I can't even remember the last time I updated actually and I don't feel like going to check. Anyway, things are going pretty well. Winding down for the semester. Only about two weeks left before we move out. Not gonna lie, I'm really sad to leave. I don't want to go home for the summer. I wish I could just get a house with all of my friends and live there for the summer, all of us with our separate jobs but coming back to the same place at night. I have seriously made the best friends ever here and I will miss them a lot this summer. I'm looking forward to our trip to Cape Cod at the beginning of June. We are going to have an unbelievable amount of fun: Kyle, Emily, Matt, Jeff, Nick and I in one house for 4 days in my favorite place in the entire world. It will be ridiculous. I'm just afraid that it will go by too fast. I don't know if I will see them the rest of the summer because we are all working so much. But I'm excited to go home and hopefully hang out with my Baltimore crew a little bit. I miss my Bryn Mawr people mucho! I think that the summer will probably go by pretty quickly because we are all going to be so busy. I have to say I'm surprised by how much I have come to love it here and I never thought I would be sad to leave it for the summer. I have found a second home and a second family here. I just hope things don't change too much next semester, although I know they will since Kyle will be in Italy. O well. I still have quite a bit of work to do before the end of the semester including a philosophy paper that is due tomorrow that I have yet to start. Jeff is actually yelling at me right now to start it as would Emily if she were here haha. So back to work. Just wanted to keep people updated on my life a little bit. I will try to update again soon. No promises though.

augustgirl23 @ 2006-03-01T23:48:00

2006-03-02T05:00:03Z

Ok so I, being the good student that I am, was procrastinating by looking at pictures on facebook. This leads me to missing all of my people from home. I miss the after-school club and all our long talks. I miss trips to Chippanbucks. I miss walking through the halls of Bryn Mawr and knowing that I belong. I miss movie nights in my garage. I miss going to school in the morning, knowing I'm going to see my best friends in the world, the girls who have become my family. I know I have that here, just in a different sense. But it's just not the same. I love everybody here and they know I do. However, I miss my Allison Joy March with her crazy jokes that make me laugh and her always being there for me and our Spanish orals (LOL!) and the last minute homework lunches. I miss our lunch table with the great in-depth conversations and the most ridiculously hilarious conversations. I miss Amanda and Tia and Aylin andDominique Delisle (who will forever be my birthday buddy) and Elise and all my Bryn Mawr people. I have a new life here and I love it. I'm just waiting to get the exact feeling I had at Bryn Mawr. I wonder if I ever will. I guess it's hard to say seeing as I'm sitting here now procrastinating, trying to avoid studying for my history midterm tomorrow. I just want to let my people from home know that I love you guys and miss you!!! You guys are my family and I don't know where I would be without you.

This sucks

2006-02-18T23:08:39Z

So Stef just blew up at me cuz apparently we have been talking behind her back about the rooming thing instead of with her. I have been trying to talk to her all week about it and she didn't seem to find it that important. Now she flipped out on me, telling me to talk to her about it instead of going behind her back and talking about it. I'm rooming with Jess and Lauren and whoever they decide to bring in next year. I can't let myself be miserable when I'm only here for four years. I know Stef cares about me but right now it certainly doesn't seem like it. I do feel like an awful person now because of it though. Why does everything have to be so hard?

Oh life

2006-02-09T02:12:53Z

So my dad had his doctor's appointment and got his test results back and everything. Absolutely normal. There is no sign of the cancer at all right now. The doctor said my dad is one of the few patients that has happened to. My dad just has to keep taking the medicine he has been taking but other than that will not need anymore treatment for at least the next six months. Crazy, right? I guess prayer really does work. That is one less thing to worry about and that was probably my biggest one.
Things seem to be looking up in general these days. I am much happier at school for the most part. I'm enjoying most of my classes, although not the amount of work that I have looming ahead. My circle of friends is expanding. I no longer only have one primary group of friends, but have friends outside of that. Emily and I have been getting closer, which makes me happy. She and I have similar situations at the moment relationship-wise and we have a lot in common. She and I have been hanging out with other people more which has actually been fun. I still hang out with my other friends but it's just a change of pace.
Also, there are no prospects for boys on the horizon. Ok, I know that shouldn't be a focus for me. It's just hard when a lot of the people around me have somebody and that is what I want as well. I will not even mention the holiday from Satan that is celebrated with a lot of hearts hung up all over the place. It seems like every guy I like ends up liking someone else, getting into a relationship, breaking up with me, just wanting to be friends or something along those lines. Whatever. It will happen when it's meant to happen. Right now, things aren't that bad and I'm content with that. This is probably the happiest I've been in awhile and hopefully things will just keep getting better.

Not so bad after all

2006-02-06T17:35:44Z

So it didn't look as though this week was going to go well seeing how badly it started off. First both Stef and I overslept and missed our Calculus class this morning. Then I sleep late and therefore have to rush to get ready to go to my field study. I have to shove onto the overfull shuttle. I get there just to find out that it was canceled because she wasn't there today. Of course, she didn't let me know so I have to go stand outside and wait for 15 minutes in the cold for the shuttle to come back around. I also had the dread of my 3 hour lit class looming ahead and I'm hoping that I don't have to fight to stay awake in front of my professor like last week. But I ended up talking to my dad for those 15 minutes while I was waiting. It always makes me happy to talk to him. It was just one of our normal conversations, nothing out of the ordinary. A minute after I hang up with him, he calls me back just to thank me again for the picture I gave him for Christmas of the two us and how he has it on his desk at work and how it makes him happy to see it everyday. Hearing that definitely put a smile on my face. Maybe that's my sign that this week won't be that bad after all.

augustgirl23 @ 2006-01-23T01:38:00

2006-01-23T07:50:30Z

So I've been back at school for about a week now. It hasn't been too bad. My classes aren't that bad although it does look like I'm going to have a lot of work to do but that's not a shock.
This weekend was extremely fun too. Friday, my friends Michal, Mark, Ryan, Stef, and I drove to Ocean City, NJ just because we felt like going to the beach. It was a lot of fun. The beach always makes me happy. Then Saturday, we went down to the Franklin Institute with a big group to see Body World. Quite an interesting exhibit I must say. Real human bodies cut apart so you can see what the inside of the human body really looks like and everything. After that, Stef, Ryan and I went to a party that turned out to be a lot of fun.
Also, it now looks like Stef and Ryan are going to get together. I'm so happy for them cuz they are two of my best friends here. I talked to Ryan about it cuz he is worried about being hurt again but he cares about her so much that I think I made him realize that he should just go for it. I think they will be really happy together.
It does make me a little sad though because I do wish I could have that myself. I want to find somebody who will make me that happy here. A lot of my friends here are in relationships so I feel kinda lonely not having somebody. The whole Pat thing is improving though. I don't miss him as much anymore. I think now, I just want somebody. O well, it will happen when it's meant to happen. Things are going well for now and I'm fairly happy with my life here. For now, I'll try to be content with what I have.

back at school

2006-01-17T06:38:42Z

So I'm back at school. It was good seeing everybody again but I'm already dreading classes and everything else. I am going to really try to make this a good semester and hopefully really come to love it here. Right now, I'm still kinda unsure. Most people say they feel better when they are unpacked and everything, but it actually makes me feel worse. I dunno. I guess I'm still a little apprehensive about everything going on at home. I feel weird not being home to help with everything that is going on, and I guess that is why I'm feeling not so good about being here. I don't know what my problem is. I know I have no control over the things at home and there really isn't anything I can do. I know I can't stop living because of that stuff. I need to just trust in God and know that whatever happens is supposed to happen and that God will never give us anything we can't handle. I know that's true but I still have trouble. I just want things to go well and to be happy again. It feels like it's been awhile since I have been truly happy. I have small bouts of happiness, but I mean true prolonged happiness. I know it will come back someday but I guess have too many worries right now to keep me from it. I guess I will point to getting to February 3rd, which is when my dad has his next appointment. We will find out more then and until then, I just have to pray and know that whatever happens is happening for a reason. Things will be ok again. I just have to wait for my reward.

i want to feel free

2006-01-12T07:40:00Z

I don't like feeling like this. I'm not even sure I can describe how I feel. I guess part of it is feeling uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable at school which I have to go back to in 4 days. For some reason, I don't want to go back. I mean I like it there and all but somehow, it doesn't feel so right anymore. I have the best roommate I could ask for and I love her and all my friends at school but something just feels off. Of course, I don't feel exactly comfortable here at home either. Its more comfortable than school but then again, it is where I have lived my entire life and it is where the people I love most in the world live as well. It's been great spending time with all of my friends, the ones that I feel know me best. Yet something still doesn't feel right. The past is here too much. I can ignore it for a time but it just gets to be too much and starts to weigh me down. I also feel somewhat uncomfortable with myself. That may sound a little bit weird but I don't know. I have become more and more unhappy with myself recently. I have faith in God and I know that I just have to trust in His plans for me but I still have trouble with that at times. I can't just trust in that and rely on Him all the time yet. My faith isn't quite strong enough.
Somehow I get down on myself and pull out all of the bad things about myself and I take the blame for things that I have no involvement in. I feel like I have to fix everyone else's problems but can't fix my own. Maybe that's why I do it. I can't figure out how to fix my problems so I try to help everyone else with theirs. I put their happiness before my own. I have lost sight of true happiness.
I often wish we could go back to when times were simpler, when we were kids, when our biggest problem was a playground fight with a friend or something like that. Now we are in the process of becoming adults where we have to take responsibility for a lot more things, learn new lessons about life and love that hurt, realize that we are no longer kids and that within a few short years, we will be on our own completely, going out and finding jobs. We all wished we could grow up faster; now I wish I could be a kid again, have the naivety back. Then I wouldn't be experiencing this broken heart. I wouldn't feel like I have to put everyone else's happiness before my own. I wouldn't have to worry about my sister's battle with low self-esteem and anorexia. I wouldn't have to prepare myself everyday while I'm away at school for the chance that I could get a phone call telling me I have to pack my bags and come home and watch my dad die. I wouldn't have to prepare myself for the fact that my dad may be gone a few years from now and that I will never see him playing with my children or have him walk me down the aisle. Can't we go back in time just for a little while? What a wonderful vacation that would be.
Someday I will make sure that I live on a beach where everything always seems perfect. No matter what, sitting on a beach always makes me happy and feel better. It is the perfect place for me. I wish I could go the beach and dance around like a little girl and forget about my worries and about the outside world that I feel weighing down on me. I want to feel free. Someday it will happen. But for now, I have the fears pressing in around me and I have to force myself to push them back and find strength somewhere.
I'm sorry for the long first entry. I just needed to get this off my chest.